5 STEPS TO STOP FEEDING A NEGATIVE MINDSET

Stop focusing on the negative in your life and be conscious of the positive. Here's an easy (and fun) exercise to help you break the habit of reciting everything wrong in your life and discover that life isn’t that bad after all. This is resilience mindset in practice, and it works even when the circumstances are as heavy as mine. (This is coming from a guy who's paralyzed from the shoulders down, is in constant pain every day, and relies on somebody to dress, bathe, and feed him daily.)

The Spring Everything Fell Apart

It was the spring of 2017.

My girlfriend, wife, business partner, caregiver, stepmom to my kids had just left me. My house was infested with rats. Our last two restaurants we opened were struggling. My youngest cousin, Tara, was battling her third bout of ovarian cancer and wasn't going to live much longer. I just found out I owed the IRS a shit ton of money. Everywhere I looked, there was nothing but despair, loneliness, and failure. I went to bed crying. I woke up and didn't want to do anything.

Our company, Titan Brands, was relying on me to lead. We had over 150 employees. My head was so twisted up with guilt and self-loathing. I'd driven the woman I loved so much out of my life. I felt like I failed as a husband, father and a leader. My kids, even though they were young adults at the time, had to deal with a second divorce. I felt like I let them down along with everyone else in my life.

Do you know the feeling? I pray that you don't, but I know that everyone's adversity is relative. I'm sure you've gone through a season like this, or maybe you’re going through one right now. It's easy to fall into telling everyone who will listen about everything wrong in your life. You begin to sound like a broken record. Every time you tell the story, it sounds worse and worse. Strangely, it's comforting when you tell it. You wrap misery around yourself like a blanket.

The Phone Call That Changed Everything

I started to reach out to my network as I knew I needed help. I hired an executive coach. I called colleagues and mentors. I told them all my stories of woe. One of the responses I got back was jolting.

He was a well-known entrepreneur and business coach who had known me since before I had my accident in 2009. He had coached me during my recovery, and we stayed in touch sporadically as our company grew. He was a busy man and didn't have a lot of time to talk.

He patiently listened for me to finish my sad story. He let out a heavy sigh and curtly gave me this feedback. "Scott, I would immediately fire the pussy I'm talking to on the phone right now and hire that guy that was unstoppable after he broke his neck back in 2009."

I was shocked. No understanding words of comfort. No commiserating. Just a cold, hard slap of reality right to the face. It was exactly what I needed. All I was doing by relating my sad story to everyone that would listen was attract more sad stories. I had to break the cycle. But how?

Building a Resilience Mindset: The Simple "Best of" Practice

I found it fascinating how easy it was to take inventory of everything wrong in my life. I could easily rattle off the five worst things that happened to me in the last six months. Simultaneously, I would struggle to find one good thing that happened to me last week. But the reality was I was still breathing. Despite my obvious handicap, I was healthy. My kids were doing OK. The business, although it was struggling, was far from going bankrupt. The exterminator I hired had done a great job of getting rid of the rats. The guy that was unstoppable back in 2009 was still in there. I just had to find him again and refocus my brain on the positive.

If you can rattle off five things wrong in your life faster than you can name one thing that’s going right, that's not a character flaw, it's just where your focus has been trained to go. You can refocus it.

Here's exactly how I did it:

Get one brutally honest voice in your corner. Not sympathy. Not commiserating. I needed someone who knew what I was capable of before I forgot it myself.

Take inventory of the spiral, then flip the question. I could rattle off the five worst things in my life without thinking. I made myself find one good thing instead, and it was harder than it should have been.

Start a nightly "Best of" list. I asked myself, "Why don't you try writing everything good that happens in your life down in an Apple note on your iPhone?" I started doing just that. Every night before I shut my eyes, I made a concerted effort to write down just the good things that happened that day. Not mentioning anything bad or using any words that would connote something negative. I entitled it "Best of 2017." Some days were harder than others to find something positive. I tried really hard to stay away from the clichés. I would thoughtfully review my day for the small acts of kindness that I received, or the serendipitous positive thing that happened.

Catch yourself mid-story and redirect.

When people asked, "How are you doing?" I started answering them with an emphatic "good!" And then I would tell them what I had written down the day before. I caught myself multiple times a week starting to tell my sad story to somebody. I would stop and simply ask them how they were doing. Again, taking the power away from the negative and giving the power to the positive in my life.

Stick with it for the long haul.

Nine years later, I have "Best of" entries in my Apple Notes for the last nine years. It is so great to go through those and remember all the cool little things that happen in life that are actually quite amazing. I added pictures and videos to the notes as well. I recounted concerts I had gone to, great sporting events I had witnessed, interactions with family, friends, and colleagues, and healing moments.

Why This Still Works

I stopped giving power to the negative things in my life and started giving power to the positive things in my life. I began to become a more positive person, which, in turn, made me more present. I was taking note of the little things and celebrating them.

This is the whole practice: stop rehearsing what's wrong and start recording proof of what's right, on purpose, every single day, until it becomes how you're wired.

So, if you need to get unstuck or you need to stop giving power to the negative, please try this little trick. Stick with it. Life's not as bad as you think it is.

If this hit home, this is exactly the kind of resilience mindset work I write about every week. Follow me on Instagram or YouTube to stay in touch! And if you're an organizer looking for someone who's lived this, not just studied it, I'd love to talk about speaking at your next event.